1. Don’t talk. Unless it’s dirty talk, and you’re Lil’Kim, shaaadaaaap!

2. If you’ve already broken rule #1, you are hardly worthy to view rule #2. But, if you do speak, DO NOT bring up, “children.” Before condoms were invented, the word “children” was the world’s most effective form of birth control. If you disbelieve me, try it out.

3. Again, if you must speak, DO NOT ask him if he thinks you’re fat now. You are. Otherwise you wouldn’t be asking. Show some gratitude.

4. Don’t pee. Despite what you have heard on the Internet machine, most guys do not go in for this. If you really, really want to pee, take a class first. They are expensive, but available, especially in L.A. A trained audio visual artist will instruct you in this difficult art of making the disgusting, sexy. But really.

5. Pay attention to landscaping. If you are old, do not suddenly shave your muff. Unless your hubby likes to swing, if he is 50 this will flip his lid. If he is a church-goer, he may mistake you for Satan in the form of a goat. And cast you back to hell, your natural home.

6. If you’ve ignored rule #5, at least do it right. If you want to shave that thing, for Chrrissake consider your special someone’s shaft and ball-sac. You don’t want to tear them off. In order not to do this, please shave your muff and vicinity every day, several times a day. That harmless five o’clock shadow makes the difference between his rubbing his dick on freshly poured tarmac, or sticking in into a broken pothole. In California, he can sue.

7. No animals. Despite what you read in Cosmo, men hate animals. Especially cats. If you choose to incorporate an animal into your lovemaking, please confine yourself to the early first date touchy-feely stages, as in, “Oh, I’m so sorry I grabbed your balls! I was reaching for kitty’s tail!” After that, kitty goes back to the litterbox. No exceptions.

8. After he comes in your mouth, don’t wriggle up his body in a cute cuddly imitation of your cat and try and give him a cute cuddly kiss. Are you insane? It looks a lot like it. Really, this should be Rule #1. Observe it.

9. If you’re on your period, don’t forget to mention it. He won’t be disappointed – now it’s time for that blow job! Unless the two of you met in the O.R. most guys will appreciate a little “heads up”, regarding this, especially if they were getting ready to go downtown. Let ‘em know you’re oozing blood. It’s polite, and you earn karma points.

10. Let him choose the music. He’s already making silent concessions in his head in regards to this somewhat touchy issue. Girls don’t have musical taste. There are exceptions to this rule. Patti Smith has musical taste. But you’re not Patti Smith. If you even know who she is I will shit. But don’t worry, she’s like 50, so he’s probably not thinking about ****ing her instead of you. He doesn’t care that you have no taste. So have a heart. If you’re getting it on at your apartment, at least allow him to make the choice between your “Friends” soundtrack, and “Women – Songs of Love& Hope 4.”

Thanks Mugi!

1. Don’t try to sound intelligent. You’re not. First you were confusing her. Then you were boring her. Now she’s going over to talk to your friend. He has a nice shirt.

2. When she’s talking about her day shopping don’t zone out or try to distract her from her unique train of thought. When you’re in bed together it’s a special time for her to tell you her secrets. Like about those secret shoes she saw at the secret mall the other day. Hey! Are you listening?

3. Don’t stick your finger up her ass. Who told you she wanted a finger up her ass? It’s not an exam.

4. If you are set on sticking your finger up her ass, and she’s had a few margaritas, maybe it’s ok. But first, cut those damn fingernails of yours. You’re like freaking Edward Scissorhands in there, aren’t you? Cut ‘em. Straight across. Who taught you how to do it like that, your momma?

5. If there is any oral sex you have to reciprocate. If you have to fart, tell her. The polite thing to say is, “Ah… honey? I’m sorry - I have to pass wind.” Say it and she’ll know you’re a gentleman. Like Prince William. Or Harry. Pick one.

6. Don’t turn on that tv in the bedroom. Surely you can last for ten minutes with no tv? Just ten minutes?

7. Don’t tear your condom on her clit piercing. If you do, scoop out what you can and apologize, apologize, apologize. Now might also be the perfect time to make up with her cat. Go bring it back from the litter box where you banished it.

8. Don’t fall asleep after you come. She wants to talk, and this is where you can show off all that intelligence you were peddling at the party two hours ago when you picked her up. Remember – women see intelligence differently than men. For us girls, we expect the man to listen, not just nod and drool. For advice on how to listen properly you might want to pick up Dr. Laura H. Melner’s bestselling book “The Listening Man, And More Myths of Male Sexuality.”

9. Tell her when you’re about to come. This is what differentiates us humans from animals. Animals, like a lot of men out there, just grunt and wheeze at the moment of sexual climax. Here’s your moment to be Shakespeare. Let your spirit shine!

10. When you do come, don’t scream out another woman’s name. Men generally are disgusting animals, and you won’t believe some of the gross crud they come out with when they’re shooting their load. My roommate and I once compared lists to see who could come up with the most bizarre statement of love shouted out during climax. She won. Just when he came, her long-time partner, Ron, screamed “Beef Stroganoffff!” She had to have surgery to repair a busted ear drum. Phee-yeew.

- Authored by none other than Mugi Pacco.

Esquire and Marie Claire magazine recently hooked up to conduct a poll which gives insight into the sexual habits and beliefs of Americans. Here are some of the interesting highlights of the poll:

On average, men have sex 2.6 times per week, and women have sex 2.3 times per week. Single men in monogamous relationships have significantly more sex than married men, 4.5 times versus 2.7 times per week. Another interesting thing is that a man’s financial status is also correlated with the frequency he has sex, the more money men make, the more sex they have.

The average number of daters before having sex is 5 for women, and 3 for men. Men have had an average of 14 partners in their lifetime, and women have an average of 11. About 40% of men and women have had fewer than 5 partners in their lifetime; 10% of men and 5% of women have had 50 or more partners.

Men, surprisingly, have gone, on average, longer without having sex. The average longest period that men have gone without sex is 19 months, and for women its about 16 months. 35% of both men and women have gone without sex for more than 1 year, and 13% of men and 7% of women have gone without it for 5 years or more.

Men masturbate on average 4.9 times per week, while women admit to just 2.8 times per week. 15% of men have paid for sex, another 10% said they would try it, and just 1% of women say they have paid for sex.

If given the choice between sacrificing sleep or sex, 61% of women say they’d rather lose sex, and 65% of men would rather give up sleep.

Interested in reading more? Check out the full poll results at Esquire.com.

According to a new Canadian study conducted by researchers at Simon Frasier University, simply having sex makes women feel sexier. Testosterone levels are raised in both men and women, straight or gay, when they engage in intercourse. However, it has another affect on women - it fuels their desire for more sex, increases their chance of orgasm, and heightens believe in their own sexiness.

The researchers came to these conclusions after examining the testosterone levels in women before and after cuddling, sex, and exercise. What they found was that the women experienced higher levels of the testosterone hormone just before and after cuddling and sex. They also found that the larger the increase in testosterone levels, the better the chance that the women had an orgasm and the more likely they were to feel sexually attractive the next day.

So girls, next time you want to feel sexy, you don’t have to go out and buy a new sexy outfit - just have sex! And, better yet, the more sex you have, the more you’ll want.

Women are notorious for faking orgasms. Reasons for doing so range from not being able to, just wanting to get it over with, not being in the mood, or not wanting to hurt a lover’s feelings. What isn’t quite as well known is the frequency at which men fake orgasms. A recent poll conducted by Lavalife indicates that 48% of the over 9,000 men polled have faked an orgasm at least once.

For women, it’s a bit easier to pull off, but for men, faking it can be tricky. According to the poll responses, the easiest way to fake it is with using a condom. Men who used a condom when they faked it simply told their partners that they didn’t ejaculate much. Sneaky.

The reasons men faked it were actually quite similar to those of women: tiredness, just wanting to get it over with, or not being into the sex that night. Others felt they were lacking an emotional connection, and some were afraid they were going to lose their erection.

Still, women are by far the worst offenders when it comes to faking an orgasm. The Lavalife poll of over 6,000 women revealed that 82% have faked it.

According to recent research, regular sex can make you look and feel healthier. How so you ask? Well, when you’re getting it on with your guy or girl, your body releases a chemical the brain that helps to reduce stress and anxiety. As well, it also produces chemicals that create stronger feelings of affection between couples, burns off more than 100 calories per hour, and stimulates growth hormones that reduce fatty issue and increases lean muscle. How’s that for a good excuse to have sex?