1. Don’t try to sound intelligent. You’re not. First you were confusing her. Then you were boring her. Now she’s going over to talk to your friend. He has a nice shirt.

2. When she’s talking about her day shopping don’t zone out or try to distract her from her unique train of thought. When you’re in bed together it’s a special time for her to tell you her secrets. Like about those secret shoes she saw at the secret mall the other day. Hey! Are you listening?

3. Don’t stick your finger up her ass. Who told you she wanted a finger up her ass? It’s not an exam.

4. If you are set on sticking your finger up her ass, and she’s had a few margaritas, maybe it’s ok. But first, cut those damn fingernails of yours. You’re like freaking Edward Scissorhands in there, aren’t you? Cut ‘em. Straight across. Who taught you how to do it like that, your momma?

5. If there is any oral sex you have to reciprocate. If you have to fart, tell her. The polite thing to say is, “Ah… honey? I’m sorry - I have to pass wind.” Say it and she’ll know you’re a gentleman. Like Prince William. Or Harry. Pick one.

6. Don’t turn on that tv in the bedroom. Surely you can last for ten minutes with no tv? Just ten minutes?

7. Don’t tear your condom on her clit piercing. If you do, scoop out what you can and apologize, apologize, apologize. Now might also be the perfect time to make up with her cat. Go bring it back from the litter box where you banished it.

8. Don’t fall asleep after you come. She wants to talk, and this is where you can show off all that intelligence you were peddling at the party two hours ago when you picked her up. Remember – women see intelligence differently than men. For us girls, we expect the man to listen, not just nod and drool. For advice on how to listen properly you might want to pick up Dr. Laura H. Melner’s bestselling book “The Listening Man, And More Myths of Male Sexuality.”

9. Tell her when you’re about to come. This is what differentiates us humans from animals. Animals, like a lot of men out there, just grunt and wheeze at the moment of sexual climax. Here’s your moment to be Shakespeare. Let your spirit shine!

10. When you do come, don’t scream out another woman’s name. Men generally are disgusting animals, and you won’t believe some of the gross crud they come out with when they’re shooting their load. My roommate and I once compared lists to see who could come up with the most bizarre statement of love shouted out during climax. She won. Just when he came, her long-time partner, Ron, screamed “Beef Stroganoffff!” She had to have surgery to repair a busted ear drum. Phee-yeew.

- Authored by none other than Mugi Pacco.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 16th, 2007 at 10:24 pm and is filed under Sex. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.