Top Ten Things Women Shouldn’t Do In Bed
May
16th
1. Don’t talk. Unless it’s dirty talk, and you’re Lil’Kim, shaaadaaaap!
2. If you’ve already broken rule #1, you are hardly worthy to view rule #2. But, if you do speak, DO NOT bring up, “children.” Before condoms were invented, the word “children” was the world’s most effective form of birth control. If you disbelieve me, try it out.
3. Again, if you must speak, DO NOT ask him if he thinks you’re fat now. You are. Otherwise you wouldn’t be asking. Show some gratitude.
4. Don’t pee. Despite what you have heard on the Internet machine, most guys do not go in for this. If you really, really want to pee, take a class first. They are expensive, but available, especially in L.A. A trained audio visual artist will instruct you in this difficult art of making the disgusting, sexy. But really.
5. Pay attention to landscaping. If you are old, do not suddenly shave your muff. Unless your hubby likes to swing, if he is 50 this will flip his lid. If he is a church-goer, he may mistake you for Satan in the form of a goat. And cast you back to hell, your natural home.
6. If you’ve ignored rule #5, at least do it right. If you want to shave that thing, for Chrrissake consider your special someone’s shaft and ball-sac. You don’t want to tear them off. In order not to do this, please shave your muff and vicinity every day, several times a day. That harmless five o’clock shadow makes the difference between his rubbing his dick on freshly poured tarmac, or sticking in into a broken pothole. In California, he can sue.
7. No animals. Despite what you read in Cosmo, men hate animals. Especially cats. If you choose to incorporate an animal into your lovemaking, please confine yourself to the early first date touchy-feely stages, as in, “Oh, I’m so sorry I grabbed your balls! I was reaching for kitty’s tail!” After that, kitty goes back to the litterbox. No exceptions.
8. After he comes in your mouth, don’t wriggle up his body in a cute cuddly imitation of your cat and try and give him a cute cuddly kiss. Are you insane? It looks a lot like it. Really, this should be Rule #1. Observe it.
9. If you’re on your period, don’t forget to mention it. He won’t be disappointed – now it’s time for that blow job! Unless the two of you met in the O.R. most guys will appreciate a little “heads up”, regarding this, especially if they were getting ready to go downtown. Let ‘em know you’re oozing blood. It’s polite, and you earn karma points.
10. Let him choose the music. He’s already making silent concessions in his head in regards to this somewhat touchy issue. Girls don’t have musical taste. There are exceptions to this rule. Patti Smith has musical taste. But you’re not Patti Smith. If you even know who she is I will shit. But don’t worry, she’s like 50, so he’s probably not thinking about ****ing her instead of you. He doesn’t care that you have no taste. So have a heart. If you’re getting it on at your apartment, at least allow him to make the choice between your “Friends” soundtrack, and “Women – Songs of Love& Hope 4.”